Trump Orders Military to Fuel Vehicles with Trump Vodka

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In keeping with his unbridled corruption and unquenchable greed, President Trump has ordered the military to only use Trump Vodka as fuel for all vehicles. The vodka isn’t fit for human consumption, so the president has found an alternative way to profit from it. 

“Trump Vodka is tremendous fuel. Eric has been running on it for decades,” Trump said. “Our jets will never be faster or classier.”

An Alcohol-Fueled Disaster

All military vehicles from airplanes to submarines have been commanded by executive order to begin the transition to Trump Vodka immediately. Experts say the vodka will quickly cause most engines so seize from the residue left by burning low-grade alcohol. 

“This is the most asinine thing I’ve ever heard,” said Air Force helicopter pilot Jim Jackson. He winced as he drank from a Trump Vodka bottle. “My crew is placing bets on how quickly our fleets will be completely immobile.”

This is poignant satire and should not be taken seriously, or literally.

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